I thought what it would be like to write a fee proposal in which I was honest about the services we will offer in a fee proposal for a contract. Here it is:

Dear Client,

Thank you for allowing us to submit this fee proposal for the acoustics design work on this project.

Our fee proposal is based on the drawings provided to ourselves by the architects. We do understand that the drawings are ‘concept design’ only and may change. We do understand that the term ‘change’ in this context may mean that (a) the building may get taller or shorter, halve in floor area or double; (b) the building may become two or three separate buildings; and (c) the building may change from being a hotel to any other type of building. Not excluded is the possibility that it will become a hospital, railway station, residential apartments or a shopping mall.

We do understand that the changes to the building will be entirely at the whim of the client, who will only be available for consultations every other week. We further note that our design fee must remain fixed and that there is no allowance for any increase in our fee based on changes. We note that, in the event of any changes to the building use, we will be notified in time, which means the day before we are to produce design drawings.

We have measured street noise levels on site and will write a specification for the facade glass such that the interior noise levels in the building do not exceed client requirements (which will, naturally, depend on the building type). We do realise that the quantity surveyor and the client will go to tender on the glass for the facade and will source a contractor who does not know that sound is measured in decibels and who has never supplied large quantities of glass for a facade. Nonetheless, the glass supplier will be selected on the basis that he or she is the cheapest and uses glass from Dong province, in China. We fully expect to take the blame when the sound insulation of the facade is inadequate and we expect to be required to provide a remedy for any defect in the glass.

Much the same applies to doors. We will supply a specification which we expect will be ignored. The cheapest door will be chosen and will be found to have the noise reduction properties of cellophane.

We have allowed for 12 meetings with the design team and the client. We understand we will burn through this allowance in about three weeks, as the client changes his mind. We will, thus, be cheerfully attending meetings at no cost to the client.

Following the policy of cheap doors, facade glass, et cetera, we realise that the quantity surveyor and client will select the cheapest construction contractor, who will put the least able staff onto the contract. We have allowed for explaining to the contractor how to fix sound absorption cladding to the soffit of a floor slab, to explain what a floor slab is and which side is the soffit. We will label our drawings with suitable directions as to what view is being shown and will include labels such as ‘this side is blank, turn the drawing over’, ‘a view as seen if you were a bird in the sky’, ‘if you sliced through the building with a big sharp knife, this is what you would see’.

Finally, in the matter of fees, we will send a fee claim to the quantity surveyor once a month. The quantity surveyor will wait 30 days and forward it to the client, who will wait 30 days before paying the quantity surveyor, who will pay us 30 days later. We are quite comfortable with waiting 90 days to be paid. Thanks for your query.